| When I was 6 years old, I started taking | | | | Just then, I noticed my teacher's |
| tuba lessons. Not by choice of course. | | | | Lamborghini Diablo sitting in the |
| My parents had read an article about | | | | driveway. (Evidently Tuba instructors |
| some super-baby who joined college at | | | | are raking it in.)The car had just had |
| the age of 6 and at the age of 7 became | | | | an amazing new cold air intake system |
| a renowned astrophysicist. They figured | | | | put in and it was ready to race. No time |
| that ol' junior could use some mental | | | | to hesitate, I told myself. It's now or |
| development as well. They probably went | | | | never. |
| a little overboard. First they got me a | | | | I threw my tuba aside and jumped into |
| language tutor, then a chess instructor | | | | the car. |
| and then they even started to play | | | | The engine roared, and suddenly I was |
| Mozart during dinner time! Finally came | | | | off, tearing down the street at 150 mph. |
| the tuba lessons. | | | | I couldn't really see over the wheel to |
| At first it was fun. The instrument was | | | | where I was going but that didn't |
| almost as big as I was, and I loved | | | | matter-speed was the most important |
| blasting into it until I fell from the | | | | thing at that point. I slowed down |
| chair unconscious. But my tuba | | | | later, driving over people's lawns and |
| instructor didn't take kindly to my | | | | making my way toward the coast. I felt |
| random noises. He held tuba playing to | | | | great. |
| be a sacred art, one worthy of the | | | | As I headed toward the ocean, I had to |
| utmost respect. | | | | drive along the edges of some cliffs, |
| Every Saturday morning he would come to | | | | and that's where I got into trouble. |
| my house with a bundle of papers - sheet | | | | While trying to make a fast turn, I lost |
| music and scales that he would make me | | | | control and the car spun off the road |
| practice endlessly. Before I began, he | | | | and over a cliff. I fell a thousand feet |
| would pull out an old hourglass, give me | | | | into a ravine and the car exploded into |
| a stern look, and then tip it over. If I | | | | an enormous fireball. Luckily, the force |
| made too many mistakes in a row, he | | | | of the blast ejected me from the car and |
| would grunt and start the hourglass | | | | flung me back up to the top of the |
| again from the beginning. It was | | | | ravine where I lay unscathed. |
| torture. One Saturday, I had to play hot | | | | I made the 11pm news. The authorities |
| cross buns for two straight hours! | | | | described me as a 'precocious |
| My mind grew numb over time and I only | | | | miscreant'. I told the cops that my |
| wanted to escape. One day, I asked to be | | | | teacher asked me to destroy the car for |
| excused to empty my spit valve and tried | | | | insurance purposes. They promptly |
| to think of a plan. There was no way I | | | | arrested him and gave him a life |
| was going back in to face that | | | | sentence. Problem solved! |
| hourglass. But what could be done? | | | | Sure, my parents yelled at me for a |
| I could rush my teacher, ram the tuba | | | | couple of hours, but I think they were |
| over his head and then make my escape, | | | | secretly proud that I had been called |
| but the sound of this violence would | | | | 'precocious'. |
| probably get my parents' attention… | | | | |