| When I was 6 years old, I started taking tuba lessons. | | | | violence would probably get my parents' |
| Not by choice of course. | | | | attention… |
| My parents had read an article about some | | | | Just then, I noticed my teacher's Lamborghini Diablo |
| super-baby who joined college at the age of 6 and at | | | | sitting in the driveway. (Evidently Tuba instructors are |
| the age of 7 became a renowned astrophysicist. They | | | | raking it in.)The car had just had an amazing new cold |
| figured that ol' junior could use some mental | | | | air intake system put in and it was ready to race. No |
| development as well. They probably went a little | | | | time to hesitate, I told myself. It's now or never. |
| overboard. First they got me a language tutor, then a | | | | I threw my tuba aside and jumped into the car. |
| chess instructor and then they even started to play | | | | The engine roared, and suddenly I was off, tearing |
| Mozart during dinner time! Finally came the tuba | | | | down the street at 150 mph. I couldn't really see over |
| lessons. | | | | the wheel to where I was going but that didn't |
| At first it was fun. The instrument was almost as big | | | | matter-speed was the most important thing at that |
| as I was, and I loved blasting into it until I fell from the | | | | point. I slowed down later, driving over people's lawns |
| chair unconscious. But my tuba instructor didn't take | | | | and making my way toward the coast. I felt great. |
| kindly to my random noises. He held tuba playing to be | | | | As I headed toward the ocean, I had to drive along the |
| a sacred art, one worthy of the utmost respect. | | | | edges of some cliffs, and that's where I got into |
| Every Saturday morning he would come to my house | | | | trouble. While trying to make a fast turn, I lost control |
| with a bundle of papers - sheet music and scales that | | | | and the car spun off the road and over a cliff. I fell a |
| he would make me practice endlessly. Before I began, | | | | thousand feet into a ravine and the car exploded into |
| he would pull out an old hourglass, give me a stern | | | | an enormous fireball. Luckily, the force of the blast |
| look, and then tip it over. If I made too many mistakes | | | | ejected me from the car and flung me back up to the |
| in a row, he would grunt and start the hourglass again | | | | top of the ravine where I lay unscathed. |
| from the beginning. It was torture. One Saturday, I had | | | | I made the 11pm news. The authorities described me |
| to play hot cross buns for two straight hours! | | | | as a 'precocious miscreant'. I told the cops that my |
| My mind grew numb over time and I only wanted to | | | | teacher asked me to destroy the car for insurance |
| escape. One day, I asked to be excused to empty my | | | | purposes. They promptly arrested him and gave him a |
| spit valve and tried to think of a plan. There was no | | | | life sentence. Problem solved! |
| way I was going back in to face that hourglass. But | | | | Sure, my parents yelled at me for a couple of hours, |
| what could be done? | | | | but I think they were secretly proud that I had been |
| I could rush my teacher, ram the tuba over his head | | | | called 'precocious'. |
| and then make my escape, but the sound of this | | | | |